George Lucas needs to be punched in the face.
Late Wednesday night, I joined a posse to see the midnight premier of the new Indiana Jones movie. And I’ll admit, I went in expecting a travesty. I wasn’t disappointed. Spoilers below, folks.
When I saw that George Lucas was the “writer” in the opening credits, I knew it was all over. He’s been wanting to put aliens in the Indy films since day one. Looks like he got his wish. But you know what? Even though the story was pretty ludicrous, it wasn’t even that bad compared to…well…everything else.
Let’s start with the dialogue. There’s one scene where Indy and Mutt (Shia Lebouf) (and yes, you read that right, Mutt) are talking in a diner. Mutt is describing what brought him to seek out Indy. It turns out his mother was captured by some KGB Mulder and KGB Scully. But it’s ok though, because “yeah, she busted out and called me from Peru and told me I should find a Dr. Jones.”
Well that’s pretty impressive there Mutt’s mom. Your mom’s a mutt! hehe. If she’s safe…then WHY did you have to find Indy?
Then…these two ginormous guys with fedoras on their heads are eavesdropping on them and approach our two heroes. Because…ya know…fat guys in fedoras aren’t conspicuous at all. Sneaky Sneaky. Mutt tries to go all “Beat It” on them but the blues brothers are packing. And thankfully Indy has been written so well that he quickly points out “Kid, it looks like you brought a knife………………..to a GUN fight!.”
It’s all said with straight faced sincerity. You just have to hear it for yourself. This movie’s dialogue makes Episode I look redeemable.
Getting away from the horrendous cheese-fest, let’s talk about the effects. I swear to you that George Lucas was looking through his big-A attic one day and found the old green screen from the speed bike chase in Return of the Jedi. A neuron must have actually fired A light bulb must have went off in his head. It was like 80% of this “film” was shot in front of this thing. Every background is so fake it’s hilarious. There’s a scene where Indy and Mary Anne are in quicksand and it’s so obvious they’re not really standing in anything. Rather the quicksand is being layered on top of them while they are STILL in front of a green screen pretending to be the rain forest.
Let’s not even discuss how every animal is CG….or how Mutt goes all Tarzan with some monkeys…or how Indy rides out a NUCLEAR explosion inside a refrigerator.
Guys, please save your money on this one. Seriously, the film even tries to get you to buy that the aliens aren’t extraterrestrial, but rather interdimensional….despite the fact that the characters can’t POSSIBLY know that. And during the last shot as the flying saucer is returning to its home dimension (because apparently aliens still need flying saucers in that dimension) Mutt asks if they’re returning to outer space (despite the fact that we’ve already established they’re from a different dimension, moron). Another character pensively answers, “No, they’ve returned to the space between spaces.”
It’s my birthday and I’ll blog if I want to.